Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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