i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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