We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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