I showed him my bush... on skype.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
