i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
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I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
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I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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