So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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