Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
