I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
