At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
