no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
