Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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