i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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