If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
