Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
