fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
