I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
