I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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