Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
