she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
