Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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