i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
