My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
thus making me awesome and them whores
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
