Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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