When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
