my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Randomize