There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
