Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
