At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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