she smelled like a LAN party
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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