you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
