Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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