I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
