I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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