Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
