Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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