The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
