Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
