this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Of course I have a pirate flag
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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