My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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