Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
