i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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