go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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