the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
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Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
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i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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