Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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