my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
