did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I am naked and annoyed.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
