4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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