I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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