Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
