More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I will die if light touches me.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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