whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
