forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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