On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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