Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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