the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
